A Few of My Angels

A Few of My Angels

There are times as we are dwelling on this planet called earth that we need a soft, yet strong hand to lift us up. One that lets us know we are not trudging this road of life alone. I’m thankful for those that took the time to be my angels while their spirits existed alongside mine. 

In the past few years three such people have left this earthly life and are in a much better place. A place with no sorrow and no cares.  How my heart longs for them to still be here. Three unique individuals that didn’t have much in common aside from their hearts that held the gift of not only saying they cared, but putting those words into action.  

A few may recall reading my blog post about my grandmother.  Approximately four months later my beloved Mamma passed away. She was 98 years when she slipped out of her earthy body.  She was always my rock. She was always the shoulder to cry on or the place to go for direction in this life that gets overbearing at times. I saw my grandmother help so many in her life time. She would put others before herself on a daily basis. I believe in essence that is what led to her death. A time she spent giving her all in helping a family member that was ill. She wouldn’t take time to care for and nurture herself. There were not enough hands reaching out to her. Although I tried I wasn’t there enough. 

Another angel that strolled around down here awhile was Lori. I had the privilege of meeting her when I was in the hospital for a short period of time. She was my nurse and cheerleader at that time. She was someone that came along at the right time and showed me how to reach down deep inside and fight for my life. Lori and I stayed in touch after that time. I never knew the struggles going on in her life. Not until her life ended. 

My unsuspected angel came as a surprise. I met him soon after my separation. Leo encouraged me to start writing again and to start this blog. He was just another customer that came in my place of employment on a frequent basis.  A big and quirky man with white hair and a mind full of life experiences. Leo never could quite figure me out and I liked it that way. Over the course of the short few years I knew him he and I became friends. That can be a task with me since I don’t mesh well with shallowness. Leo wasn’t shallow though. He had a huge heart that wanted to fix things and make people happy.  The man was an encouraging soul that had a hard time accepting the help he needed. I would check in on him and try to prod him to get out of the depths of despair he was in. He would retort back to me the same. Leo is another giver that is no longer with us. 

All three kindred spirits of mine, it seems. I believe those of us that possess that gift get immeasurable pleasure in helping others. I also believe we do without that gift being given to us until we are dry. An empty vessel with nothing left to give. Not even to ourselves. 

I had a professor in a psychology class that told us that those in the Doctorate program she was in had go to counseling.  Those that help the most tend to need it the most but avoid their own needs. A couple months into the class she had to be quickly replaced.  She had given her all.

For all the angels that tread the land of this existence called life. To the givers, the ones that care more than most folks and the one’s with big caring hearts, the mamma’s, the Lori’s and the Leo’s, take care of yourselves. Reach your hand out to others.  This world needs more like you.

Let Your Wings Take Flight

It has been a while since I have added anything and this was on my mind. I hope you glean some hope from it. Never be afraid......At times, I feel that I might take off

Cast my wings as to sail across a raging ocean of confusion

Never glancing back at what I am leaving behind me

Confusion casting shadows on the here and now

It would be wiser to keep looking ahead

To let my wings cast a shadow on what is so hard to maneuver.

Permit my instincts to take over

My psyche at this point only knows how to flee.

To expect the dreadfulness that life can lay before me

There is a concept that drifts through the winds as I try to take flight

A thought that apprehensively I face.

One that sends terror through me

Yet one that I must shine light upon

I do as I settle my wings back into their hiding place

I turn to face the light. To confront the beauty that lies ahead of me.

A Different Path

It would serve me not to trust people. To keep them at least arms length away. To call them out on every word that spilled from their lips. Perhaps become a woman that sarcastically mocked each thought that escaped a persons tongue. I should especially do this when the sound reverberated from the vocal cords of the male population. In all fairness, it is not only the male populace that I need to use a keen sense of intuitiveness.  

Bewilderment falls upon my shoulders as to why I would want to change myself. It is a highly conceivable notion that I may not be the one that should change. In all probability, the change may need to transpire inside the hearts and minds of the ones that I am referring. This logic is credible when expressed since I have habitually made a habit out of assuming it was I that needed to change. I falter when it comes to the shards of deception that encapsulates the heart of some. At best, it could be the incapacity of a person to know how to feel. Perhaps it is the inability to feel anything through a rainless perception. In this new life I am living I have found that some citizens in this supposed civilized society are not at all civilized in their actions, words, or thoughts. When people point at themselves, things can be done to change. In this instance, the adjustment needs to come with me understanding that at times it is not about the change I need to do. Others need not change either. The alteration that is needed lies in the action of stepping over and around and walking in the opposite direction of some and taking the hands of others and forging a new path. 

Love of a grandmother

There are precious souls that have bestowed tremendous treasures in my life. These treasures have no monetary value but are gifts that will last a lifetime. They leave a legacy that will continue to remain long after they have gone to reap their rewards.

My grandmother is 98 today and although her body is worn out and her mind is not what it once was she still has the radiance that makes up my mamma. I have always had a deep endearment to her. My grandmother lived in what is commonly called a shotgun house. If a person shot through the front door, the bullet would go straight through to the back door. When I was younger, we did not live in the same town and I loved coming to see her. I was a young dumpling of a thing and when it was time for us to leave I would make a u turn back into the front door and shoot like a bullet to the back of the house. I did not want to leave her. I felt safe with her, I felt loved and accepted, even when she swatted my backside for not behaving. I always knew I deserved it when she did it. The majority of the time it was the tone of her voice and the looks she gave that made me abide by the rules.

I speculate at times if a part of me knew that she was destined to be such a colossal part of my existence.

At some point between the sunrise and the sunset of my 15^th and 16^th year, I moved in with my grandmother and stayed. There were accumulations of events that lead to this decision. Although there are times, I would want to alter some of the misfortunate events I never wanted to change the fact that I was with her.

Mamma taught me innumerable lessons in life.  A few were by the words she would vocalize to me. Some of those words were harsh and at the time I may not have believed I needed them. Looking back over the years, I needed them as much as I did her love. The most bountiful of lessons she taught me was through her actions. The instructions she gave just by watching her live from day to day.

In my darkest hours, she showed me what it meant to be loved unconditionally. She was always my rock. She taught me what having faith truly was. There have been times since then I have forgotten that lesson then I think about her and marvel at the faith she had. My grandfather died when my mamma was in her 40’s. She would always say, “Why would I want another man when I already had the best?” Being a widow at such a young age put her at a disadvantage but she did not let that stop her.  She had her angels that swooped down and helped her out and she went from there. She stood her ground and never backed down. She had a rifle and was not afraid to use it. She told me about a drunken man that came up to her fence. He told her he wanted to talk turkey with her. My grandmother went and got her gun, pointed it at him and told him she was fixing to talk turkey to him. In her seventies I saw her pull a rifle on a man for beating me. She never backed down when she knew she was right.                                   Money was scarce but she always managed with Gods grace to have what she needed and even what she wanted. She worked hard around that home and the acres of land she owned. My grandmother taught me how to work a garden, gather huge logs, saw them up, and chop them with an axe. I mastered the art of making some of the best fires in those old wood burning stoves she had. I learned how to make sure the pipes did not freeze in the winter. If they did freeze what needed to happen so they would thaw out quickly. You also always need to be prepared with extra water just in case they did freeze. She helped me wash my hair and take baths plenty of times from heated up water and in turn, I did the same for her. It is nice to know how to flush a toilet when you do not have water. Even nicer to know you can fix a toilet if you have to. My grandmother could sew past the best of them. From doll clothes to wedding dresses to coats she made everything and all things made she put her best in. That woman was gifted. When her eyesight became so bad that it was hard for her to see to sew it broke my heart. It would be nice to say I inherited that gift but I did not. I am grateful for what I did get from her, whether it is by lessons or inherited genes.  My grandmother taught me the art of canning and drop biscuits, pinto beans, and the best dewberry cobblers that ever melted in your mouth! I do not think my crust will ever compare to hers or my moms! I will take satisfaction in knowing she tried!

There would never be a chance of me defining for you all that my mamma has been for me. I wish I could have conveyed it better to her before she became in the state of health that she now is.

We all have our allotment of time here on earth. Our lives lead us or take us down one winding road after another. The best we can do is keep moving our feet. No matter if we are trudging or running. We will all make a difference in each other’s lives. I guess the question we need to ask ourselves is if it will be for the betterment of someone. Will we be able to show that unconditional love when it needs to be shown. Can we step up and help others who desperately need it?

My mamma isn’t who she once was. She does still possess that twinkle in her eye the light that shines forth from her. I have had people comment about that light in my eyes. If I only received, a glimmer of what she has I know my grandmother will remain forever a part of me and maybe one day if I am fortunate to have a grandchild I will see that sparkle in their eyes as well.

A Memory Instead

 If you could have embraced me for who I am not for a definition of who had passed before me.

I was created to fill a purpose and to embrace the uniqueness inside of me, not to be rearranged into someone new for you. A configuration compounded in your dreams.

A puzzle you thought you were compiling that contained so many pieces that never would have fit.

You tried to break me so I would mutate into what you were accustomed to in your life.

If only in your minds eye you could have glimpsed that, I was a gem while they were but rubble.

In the Potters hands

I had this typed out last week and was ready to post it. I tried to copy and paste it before I saved it. Not something a person wants to do. I never thought I would be able to piece it back together. In a way it is ironic because parts of it where removed and other parts added. Such is life.

Pain is a viable substance if we are to grow in our character. Considering the fact of my singleness after so many years I suppose this should be no huge surprise. Each relationship a person is in can bring out the finest and most inadequate in us. When we are more familiar with an individual, it is less likely that we will have to stretch our minds as much. Not to say that we should not continue to grow in the depths of every relationship that make up our life. To me it is honest when I say the previous statement is an easier thing to do. As I forge into this new life, I have already had the privilege of meeting some incredible people. There are some I wish had never crossed my path, but I learned something from them and me included .I would rather forgo on this part of life. I have been having excessive moments in this past year where I was able to see things only after they occurred. I have been feeling like a piece of clay, in the potter’s hand that continues to be placed back on the wheel. The potter knowing that the creation was beautiful but wanted a masterpiece instead.

I can identify the experiences I have personally witnessed and I can become wiser because of them. I can even forge ahead and push the limits of what I have learned. My problem arises when I am unfamiliar with situations that occur. I know I may have fought the whole way during the growth but I came out on the other side. People surfaced during this time that I would give anything to go back and redo. If only that was a possibility. The dilemma with relationships is that each individual must be able to step it up to keep it going. If the other does not want to be refined, the relationship will never work. We can remain as we are or we can go through the fire and come out on the other side.  It has been said that if a person is not growing they are dying; I guess I have been doing a great deal of living lately. I am ready to come closer to what the Potter wants. Growing as a person is an awesome thing but I think I would rather grow with small smears upon my vessel the Potter is molding rather then the handfuls of clay being removed and replaced. In the time of the Creator, I will be put in the kiln because I will be finished with this process. I will come out as He wishes. I just need to stop fighting the process He is in control of.

Musings Of My Inner Brain

It has been a while since I have posted anything. I guess that is obvious though now is it not??? The past few weeks have been difficult for me. I wanted this blog to be positive and so every time I started writing I had a conversation with myself. I told myself, self, you started this out as a positive blog and so therefore, you will post nothing that is negative. So I have not posted. It is rather sad I assume that I did not post my musings at the time. This life that I live, that we all live will not always be full of sunshine and laughter or rainbows and unicorns.

During these past weeks, I have gone through some struggles. I was searching for what makes me tick. It is incredible that at my age I still feel the urge to dissect my inner being. It is a requirement that after I get inside the dark crevices of my brain that I take a good long laugh at myself. I learn various things during trips of mine. When I finally return to my native land, my existence, I realize that I need to stop taking these trips! I have journeyed to that place many times and there is nothing new there. I visualize myself grasping for and attaining all the aha moments I might find that I am lacking at the time. I guess I do return from these “trips” with a few small tokens of conviction. That must be why I persists in these little road trips that take me down the dead end road the majority of the time.

I will convey this to you. If you have never taken one of these journeys maybe, you should try it! There are treasures that I have found on my “breaks”. The past one I took I learned I should open my mouth. I can spend such an extended amount of time thinking about saying something. By the time I speak, I am so apprehensive about saying it that things go terrible wrong. This gem was something I learned long ago but I must have lost it. I also learned that there are things about which I am that I just need to accept. They are not bad things so why do I want to change them. God molded us to be who we are to be. Why do I want to mess with His creation? Acceptance of who I am. I learned new ways of conducting myself. These are the gifts that I picked up this last trip. I hope that I do not need to return to the same location. I need a real vacation to some place new!

Yours truly trust that the reader understands that this is all figurative writing. If not I highly suggest you take a much-needed sabbatical! Now it is time for that long awaited laugh at myself. Until next time I bid you farewell.

Meaning of love

Lately I have been pondering the word LOVE. The people of this generation throw it around as a child would a rubber ball. In one breath they love their significant other and the next they love football or shopping. I do not know how you feel about this. Like me, maybe it was a habit picked up by listening to the television or radio. Alternatively, maybe even by the people that surround you each day.

After my ex husband asked me for a divorce I started noticing the word love and how we in society use it. Since I am a Christian, I read articles and studied what the Bibles’ meaning of love is. I realized that my ex had not loved me in a while. That was a tremendous blow since I had put my all in being a loving wife to him and a loving mother to our children. When someone loves you, people do not toss you to the curb after being together for over 20 years or any amount of time for that matter. In the time since that day, the meaning of that powerful word love has a different meaning to me.  I sense in my spirit the awesomeness of that word, the meaning behind it and the emotions that go with it. The depth and emotion will be different depending on whom I may be saying it to but I will not say it unless I do have the feelings that go along with it. I want the best for those I love and I want to give my best to them. I care about the person I utter those words to and will prove it to them. In the Greek language, there are four words for the word love… The following comes from Wikipedia….

§                    Agápe (ἀγάπη agape ^[1]) means "love" (unconditional love) in modern day Greek, such as in the term s'agapo (Σ'αγαπώ), which means, "I love you". In Ancient Greek, it often refers to a general affection or deeper sense of "true love" rather than the attraction suggested by "eros". Agape is used in the biblical passage known as the "love chapter", 1 Corinthians 13, and is described there and throughout the New Testament as sacrificial love. Agape is also used in ancient texts to denote feelings for one's children and the feelings for a spouse, and it was also used to refer to a love feast. It can also be described as the feeling of being content or holding one in high regard. Agape was appropriated by Christians for use to express the unconditional love of God.^{[citation needed]}Before agape love there was no other word to express such great love.^{[citation needed]}

§                    Eros (ἔρως érōs^[2]) is passionate love, with sensual desire and longing. The Modern Greek word "erotas" means "intimate love;" however, eros does not have to be sexual in nature. Eros can be interpreted as a love for someone whom you love more than the philia, love of friendship. It can also apply to dating relationships as well as marriage. Plato refined his own definition: Although eros is initially felt for a person, with contemplation it becomes an appreciation of the beauty within that person, or even becomes appreciation of beauty itself. Plato does not talk of physical attraction as a necessary part of love, hence the use of the word platonic to mean, "without physical attraction." In the Symposium, the most famous ancient work on the subject, Plato has the middle-aged Athenian philosopher, Socrates argue to aristocratic intellectuals and a young male acolyte in sexual pursuit of him, that eros helps the soul recall knowledge of beauty, and contributes to an understanding of spiritual truth, the ideal "Form" of youthful beauty that leads us humans to feel erotic desire -- thus suggesting that even that sensually-based love aspires to the non-corporeal, spiritual plane of existence; that is, finding its truth, just like finding any truth, leads to transcendence. Lovers and philosophers are all inspired to seek truth through the means of eros."

§                    Philia (φιλία philía^[3]) means friendship or affectionate love in modern Greek. It is a dispassionate virtuous love, a concept developed by Aristotle. It includes loyalty to friends, family, and community, and requires virtue, equality and familiarity. In ancient texts, philos denoted a general type of love, used for love between family, between friends, a desire or enjoyment of an activity, as well as between lovers.

§                    Storge (στοργή storgē^[4]) means "affection" in ancient and modern Greek. It is natural affection, like that felt by parents for offspring. Rarely used in ancient works, and then almost exclusively as a descriptor of relationships within the family. It is also known to express mere acceptance or putting up with situations, as in "loving" the tyrant.

I remember learning about these types of love in Sunday school. It was interesting to me that we use one word to describe all of these loves. The amazing thing is they all refer to the emotion someone has toward another human.

How can I in good conscious love my chocolate brownie Sundae and in the next breath love you? I like chocolate brownie sundaes. If I had to make a menu for my last meal, I am sure I would be savoring one of those tasty treats. Do I have loving emotions attached to them? No. I can make a memory with loved ones eating one but I do not love them.

I am trying my hardest not to say the L word when it comes to a thing. I am thinking up new ways to express what I really mean. Love is a precious thing. It is a fragile thing that takes time and devotion. Love should not be something thrown in a closet like a rubber ball to be played with later. Love is not to be tossed and bounced around it should be cherished and nurtured. Never taken for granted and always protected. Love is sacred. Football, shopping, chocolate brownie sundaes, and any other “thing” do not fit the category of love, at least not where I am concerned. It is possible that I might fail at times in voicing my “feelings” toward things but one thing is true, love never fails.

Walk in the creation of who God made you

I have been in deep thought about who I am. At times, I become uncertain of that. I glimpse images in my mind of myself as a child. I knew who I was during that span of my existence. I believe that is who I am. Fragments of that little girl still are apparent in my everyday life. They have remained attached to the core of what makes me.

Problems have arisen in the foundation of whom God made me. The unenslaved spirit that I use to possess has been on the verge of completely leaving me. I have granted people freedom to do this. Understand that it has not been a conscious thing. I have always been in awe of things great and small. I was free as a child. I would run around unafraid of anything. I remember going to a creek when I was seven. My best friend and I had asked our parents if we could get in it. Of course the obvious answer was no from all of them. After a hard day of us digging out tunnels and forts in the mounds of sand made by new homes taking away our “wilderness” we decided we needed to cool off. Now mind you, our thought was that we would wade around in the creek. In Mary and my mind, there was no harm in that. A smile creeps across my lips as I recall the recent storm that had passed through the area. The creek was flooded and soon showed us that it was more powerful then we thought. A small current made Mary fall. She grabbed a log close by I went to her and decided that since she was all wet I might as well join her. Was there any fear involved? Of course, there was, but I figured that if we were going to get in trouble, we might as well enjoy ourselves.

I now hold in me the knowledge of whom my Maker made me. I was not created to be a fearful and reserved person. People in my life, along with many terrible tragedies have shaped me into something I am not.

Over the past year, I have been searching for who and what I am. I put others needs and wants before my own. I want others to be happy. I keep my mouth closed at times just to keep the peace. I have allowed myself to be mistreated by to many.

I am not living that way anymore. I will continue to be kind and care about others. That is how God made me. I will not allow me to be lost anymore. I have a right to speak my mind as long as I do it lovingly and with respect. I deserve to have my wants and needs respected as much as anyone does. As long as those things do not hurt another, I will reach to and strive for them. When I am happy, I am able to bring more joy to others that walk this path of life with me.

I am going to be who God created me to be. I will strive to shut out the hurt that cruel and angry people have done that I have not deserved. How they have left their mark upon me and molded me to be broken. It might take a few tries to reach that destination but I believe the journey will be miraculous. I have been stuck in this creek of life wet and not enjoying it. I no longer want the fear that has been living in me. It is time to accept that I am wet and start living and enjoying my life with people beside me who wish the same thing for me.

Never Give Up

There are times that I have wanted to give up. I won’t put up a front and say it hasn’t been like that at times. My path of life has been obstructed with craters in it. Many times I wanted to give up. At times I considered it my prerogative to stop the trudging I was doing. I let go and slid down into the massive pit of hopelessness.

I wouldn’t advise that journey. It generates more sorrow. The memories are recalled and it accomplishes nothing but regret. It may seem painless. Who wants pain right?? Life isn’t without hurt, torment, or confusion. At times it takes the negativity in life to be able to embrace the abundance of life. The blessings we receive. At times we might think that we are in this journey alone. I’m here to remind you that we never are.

God has wonderful intentions for our lives. At different intervals of our existence things are allowed to get us to where we need to be. It molds us into His plan and not ours. We have a narrow vision of our life. He sees the entirety of it. It resembles chaos at times. It becomes war when we try to fight it though.

Allow yourself to feel every emotion life tosses your way. I dare you to snuggle up to it. Prohibit yourself from running from it. Don’t duck from it when it comes your way. Suppress the urge to veil it with alcohol or drugs. Acknowledge it and live through it. Situations in life can be devastating at times. They don’t define us. They only shape us for the joyous things yet to come upon the horizon.

The moral of this…When life gives you oranges make orange juice….lemonade can be to sour. 

Have a Little Fun!!!

I'm a little music freak....this statement doesn't bother me in the least little bit. As Popeye would say, "I yam what I yam and that's all that I yam." Music engulfs me with the tides of every emotion imaginable. During each season of my emotions music has brought to the forefront the depth that I wanted...or needed to feel. 


Have you ever been meandering through an aisle and heard someone singing out with the song piped in the store? Maybe you are the type to think the person must not have been taught how to, "behave properly". Perhaps it brings a smile to your face and as you walk on by you wish that you would be brave enough to do the same. If you are a fortunate soul you allow your pipes to burst out in song with them. There is always that chance that you are the one singing out loud. If the previous sentence fits you I would pronounce you a little music freak as well.


My daughter will sing at the top of her lungs in all types of places....at home, in a vehicle, at church, on stage, anywhere she deems it acceptable to do it! When she was younger she didn't care where she sang. She was singing "Shake your Booty" at 18 months. Everywhere you saw her at home she would have this little wind up music toy that had all types songs on it. She would sing and dance just like I did as a child. 


The quandary that I face is remembering that I too stopped my little freak on at a certain age. I retreated into the norms of the world or maybe I just retreated. Packaged myself up in paper that didn't fit me with a bow on top that I wish I would have smashed. A smile spills forth as a imagine the picture that portrays. I did smash that bow! Little by little my music became more important to me. I wish the same for my daughter. My prayer for her is that it comes sooner then it did for me.



 I will continue to do what I do best and that is embarrass her with all the abilities a mother posseses.  When a music kiosk is waiting around and trying to blow the dust from itself I will be the one to do it. My trigger finger will get happy. It will start dancing around the touch screen and make that music blare out! My voice will be melodious and my feet will start moving.....in the back ground I will hear my daughters foot steps walk away as she moans, "mom", under her breath just one more time.

Let's Do This

March 19,2011


I have felt the desire to have a blog for a while now. It started with a comment to a friend on Facebook around a year and a half ago. I only thought my life was turning upside down at that time. Knowing the things I know today I would say that I subconsciously knew I would soon be faced with yet another roller coaster ride in my life. 


I want this blog to be about perseverance, the determination and yes even the stubborness that it takes to get through this gift we call life. At times I have wanted to throw my gift back to God and tell him that I didn't like what I was finding inside of it. I would tell Him, "Thank you very much but I knew what I needed and wanted". What I was receiving seemed more like someones rejected and recycled gift. Maybe even a gift that had been tossed in a dump for years and uncovered and handed out to me! 


Yes I do talk to God like He is my buddy at times. I guess that is how I have made it this far in life. Sometimes I think I will show Him who is the boss.....Have you ever tried that? It doesn't work very well! Not for long anyway. I have to laugh at myself when I think about it. I can do that today though. Just shake my head and laugh at my self for thinking that I know what I need. 


My life has been a dramatic, traumatic, suspenseful comedy. I've been bounced, beat, shoved, and flat out drop kicked in this life. There is a difference between those and me that can't find the rainbow because of the storm that engulfs them. It might be that word that is so seldom used today...gumption: the boldness of enterprise, initiative or aggressiveness, Guts, Spunk, Common Sense.


That is what this little blog is going to be about. So I hope you join me for the ride. No gurantee that it will be smooth travels. It will be enlightening. It may even help you know that you are not alone in the struggles of this "gift of life" we have been given. I believe that is what we all need. Someone that has the guts to admit that sometimes we want to catapult our "gift" back at God and tell Him that we don't like it one little bit!